There is little doubt that Adam and Eve were the first people.  There is now growing evidence that early scribes inadvertently reversed the spelling of Eve's name.  They (Adam and Eve, not the scribes) were kicked out of Paradise for eating ribs. Cain, one of their sons, killed his brother for eating Ham.  Everyone survived because a snake showed them how to eat apples.   There is some evidence that a rival first couple, Adam and Steve, were the first couple but their group grew slowly in number because they relied on adoption and recruitment, not procreation, to increase their family size.

Noah and his wife were kicked out of Sodom for stealing a lot of salt from someone's wife.  During a flood they left in a boat  with all the animals.  Their son Jonah choked to death while trying to swallow a whale.  Who wouldn't?   People were still supposed to be vegetarians but a number of animals mysteriously turned up missing after the trip.  Modern scientists refer to this process as extinction.

Moses and his people were made slaves by the E-Gypsies.  One day a man named Manny fell from Heaven and told Moses to split for the Red Sea with his people.  Along the way, they ate Dead Sea Rolls which Manny sold to them.  Previously, they had bought bread from Morey Levin.  The new bread became known as un-Levined bread.  

While on the way, Moses stopped at Mt. Sinus to get directions.  These directions were called the Ten Commandments.  They told Moses to head for the Land of Canada.  Because his people were too idle...in fact, they worshipped idleness, it took forty years to get there.  The land was so dry, they often had to irritate it to grow food.  Moses helped a follower/patient  named Jobs whose great-great grandson would invent the Apple computer.  While using this computer to count apples, a man named Newton fell out of a tree and discovered gravity.  To this day he is considered the father of physiques.

David and Solomon were the next great leaders.  David fought the Philadelphians.  His friend Goliath died while choking on the jawbone of an ass.  The Hind Lick maneuver had not yet been invented.  Solomon was very wise.  He had many wives and hundreds of porcupines.  He was an animal lover and would often let the porcupines sleep in his bed. 

Plato and Socrates were the next world leaders.  They invented grease.  Plato was killed for giving Queen Helen a huge Trojan.  Socrates died from a headlock.  It was during this time that a sissy named Phus invented rock and roll.  He was condemned for this.

The Romanians next ruled the world.  Their leader was Sid Caesar.  He was an extinguished leader who was killed for saying: "Yoo-hoo, Brutus."

A man named Pope and his decadents next ruled the world.   Their rule was challenged by Martin Luther.  Because he nailed 95 feces to their door, they ordered him to be violated by a papal bull.  Ouch!  The religious world was then subjected to a Diet Of Worms—relieved only on Fridays by the command Carpe Diem—literally: "Seize fish."

In 1860, Abraham Lincoln fought the Silver War against Pink E. Lee.   One of Lee's greatest generals, Stonewall Jackson, was shot in the thick of the fray.  They amputated his whole fray but he died anyway.   Lee surrendered but soon Lincoln was shot in his seat while in his Ford at a drive in theater.  Some members of Congress later threw peaches at his Johnson.

Meanwhile in Europe, Queen Victoria was setting a record for sitting on a thorn for over sixty years.  While she did this, her umpire was kicked out of one country after another.  This effectively left the US as the only country playing baseball.
    

World War I began when  the Duke of Australia was shot by his analyst.  England and the United States eventually defeated the Germans but not before John Lennon took over Russia.  He was a follower of the Marx Brothers:  Groucho, Karl, and Schleppo.  The Marx Brothers were instrumental in destroying a town called Vaudeville.

J. Edgar Hoover instituted the Great Depression in 1929.  He started it because a rash destroyed the stock market.  Many people got rich selling apples.  In Europe, World War II began when a man named Hitler led a group called the Nasties.  They invaded Poland, France, and Russia before dropping a blintz on England.  Meanwhile in Hawaii, the Japanese stabbed a woman named Pearl Bailey in the back.  The US got even by dropping atomic balm on Japan.

After World War Two, the US went through a period called the Red Scar.  Senator Charley McCarthy and his dummy named Candace Bergen began finding communists hiding under their bed.  Under John Wayne's leadership, The Korean  and Vietnam Wars were fought against these communists.

A man named Kennedy was the next great leader.  He defeated a man named Shifty in an election that allowed dead people to vote for the first time.  Kennedy was a good man although there was much talk about his Johnson.   The president was killed shortly after he announced he had changed his name and announced: "Ich been ein Berliner." It means roughly: "I've been a doughnut."

A plumber named Richard Nixon rose to the presidency next.  He was a good man who quit only when he sensed a bunch of congressmen were planning to hurl peaches at him.  His vice president was named Henry Ford and he was played by Chevy Chase.

The Reagan-Bush Error was next.  President Reagan was a good man who dedicated his life to freeing Irving Berlin from  Russian control.  A woman named Murphy Brown created a big scandal when she bore  Vice President Quayle's illegitimate baby on live TV.  For some bizarre reason, the Vice President blamed the affair on his fear of potatoes!  To this day many maintain that the potato and Murphy's Baby will prevent him from ever being president. Others contend that ability and intelligence are factors. President Bush was a good man who was often quoted and mis-quoted when he said things like  "No nude Texas" and "A thousand pints of Lite."  

The world survived the Clinton-Gore time which followed.  The President was a good man who delighted in finding  jobs and  challenging positions for young interns who served under him.  In a fit of jealousy, Congress hurled peaches at him.  His wife left him and ran off with a New Yorker named Sennett after she found the president lying under a woman named Oath.

The following year the Supremes got back together again and went to court to have George Bush Jr. selected president even though the husband of rival singer Leslie Gore had many more votes.  The new president was a good man who instituted a depression because his religion frowned on prosperity for the masses.  He declared the rich to be an endangered species and set out to help them with their taxi service.  The new president's economic motto was "A rising tide lifts all yachts."  He told those without yachts to learn to tread water.

The year 2008 saw the choosing of a new president.  The race was in tents.  Senator Don  McClean ran for office after having a hit song, American Pie.  He was very old and his erection performance was roundly criticized.  His side kick was a plumber's helper named Sarah.  She was the absentee landlady for a home for unwed mothers in Alaska.  Many felt we had come full circle.  Where once the fictional TV birth of a child to an unwed mother named Murphy Brown was a campaign issue in an election, the unwed pregnancy of a teenager was now considered a qualification for the unwed daughter's mother to be president.  Her inability to answer basic questions about geography, economics, government, law and current events seemed to endear her to certain followers who declared her fit for office because she didn't know any more than they knew.   She did attempt to have the nation of Africa admitted as our 54th state.

An Irishman named Brock O'Bama was elected president.  Learning that Republican supporter Mitt Romney belonged to a church that baptized dead people,  Mr. O'Bama's party, the Acorns, allowed many of these same deceased folks to register to vote.  Plumber's helper, Sarah, discovered that her opponent was a follower of one of the Marx Brothers, Schleppo, and she noted that he would pal around with terriers when no one (except Sarah) was looking.  Winner O'Bama would have the governor of Illinois do the swearing at his inauguration.

Your Escambia Diploma

They're out there!  "They" being charlatans and con artists who'll create phony schools and milk the public.  Everybody wants to get ahead and a solid education is a good starting point.  Concerned about whether or not a school is going to help you?  Research. research, research!  Check accreditation.  Check the BBB.  Googling is a start but remember that anyone can create a web page.  And anyone smart enough to create a phony college is smart enough to create phony accreditation.  I would start at http://nces.ed.gov/globallocator  to begin my research.                 Return to Escambia University http://www.escambiauniversity.info