THE ESCAMBIA PICAYUNE
THE STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF ESCAMBIA UNIVERSITY
"We're all equal in  the dark"


ESCAMBIA UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL SCHEDULE

August 5 HOME Teton State University "The Teets"

August 9 HOME Ohio Schizoid Institution (Doubleheader) "The Zoids"

August 12 AWAY Vatican College Of Cardinals "The Holy Seemen"

August 17 (or later) AWAY Dayton Procrastinators Institute "The Maybes"

August 25 HOME HOMECOMING Noter Dime "The Fighting Iris"

September 1 AWAY OHO State "The Woodies"

September 6 HOME FSU (Felony State University)

September 17 AWAY ALA BAMA (American Lavatory Attendants--Bay
Area Men's Academy.) "The Crimson Tidy"

September 24 HOME Taxus University "The Fighting Yews"

September 27 HOME Buffoon Bookman College "The Buffos"

October 1 The Porcelain Bowl

RESULTS:

August 5 . The Teets of Teton State made the long trip from Wyoming only to once
again be handled by the men of EU. In a performance reminiscent of
last year's romp, the Fighting Figments pawed the Teets 56-0.

August 9 Things started poorly for the Ohio Schizoid Institution. The Zoids were
called for unsportsmanlike conduct for calling both heads and tails at the
coin flip. EU eventually won the first game 42-0. The second game
was awarded to EU on a forfeit (2-0) when OSI insisted on defending
both goals and refused to kick-off or receive. Disappointed OSI officials
said they were of two minds about changing coaches.

August 12 Coach Onan was all smiles as his Holy Seemen spilled out on the field.
His smile turned quickly to a frown as the Fighting Figments rubbed the
Seemen in the stadium dirt with a vigorous assault. When the battle was
over, Onan's Holy Seemen seemed wasted. Final score: EU 35
Vatican 0. A puff of dark smoke was seen emanating from the Vatican chimney.

Aug. 19 The Maybes put off recruiting a strong class again this year and were no
match for EU. The Maybees were penalized repeatedly for delay of game.
Final score was 45-0.

Aug.25 The Figments had no trouble getting up for Homecoming even though the
opponent was the legendary "Fighting Iris" of Noter Dime. Iris is a year older
and she has slowed a step or two. We won 56-0. Sofonda Boyce was chosen
Homecoming Queen. She was accompanied by Craven Morelove.

Sept. 1 Ohio Home for the Old (OHO STATE) is but a shadow of the one time powerful
program. The Woodies are a force in the Big Tan Conference but they generally
come up short against EU. This year was no exception. The Woodies failed
to penetrate the Figments stiff defense while the EU offense, lead by QB Bris
Mohel, managed to shred every Woody they encountered. It was painful to
watch for the OHO state fans. Final score: EU 54 OHO State 0

Sept. 6 The "Criminoles" of Felony State University again ran into trouble with a road game
on the schedule. FSU coaches could not secure court permission for many of their athletes
to cross state lines. The recurring problem of FSU athletes instinctively trying to cover
their faces whenever a camera clicked led to numerous fumbled handoffs and
dropped passes. Two scouts from the Cincinnati Bengals were in the crowd to
do their annual evaluation and signing of Felony State athletes. EU 45 FSU 0

Sept. 17 This one ended as expected. The American Lavatory Attendants Bay Area Men's
Academy (ALA BAMA) lost nearly every starter from last year's team that really
cleaned up. The "Crimson Tidy" dusted off everyone but the Figments last year.
EU prevailed again, 39-0.
Sept. 24 The Yews are still a little green. EU trimmed them easily, 54-0.

Sept.27 The Figments completed another 11-0 season with their eleventh shutout.
The Buffos were relieved when the fat lady sang. They probably should
have had her suit up on the defensive line. Figments won 89-0

October1 The Porcelain Bowl Results:
EU defeated BASS of the BIG TAN Conference 75-0. BASS (Boston Area Stenographers School) was a preseason favorite in that conference even though "The Tards" don't have a legitimate big time quarterback or for that matter, a legitimate player at any position.

NATIONAL COLLEGIATE CHAMPIONS
ESCAMBIA UNIVERSITY HAS CLAIMED THE NATIONAL TITLE AGAIN AFTER ANOTHER SEASON IN WHICH NO OPPONENT SCORED AGAINST US. WE OFFERED TO PLAY THE MYTHICAL CHAMPS IN A CHAMPIONSHIP GAME BUT RECEIVED AN APPARENT FORFEIT.

OK, how do we determine these game results and championships?  It's quite simple.  We are inspired by the BCS method for selecting the teams that will play for the national championship.  We just take things to a logical next step or two.  We save a lot of money by not only not having a playoff tournament—we even create mythical teams for maximum fan enjoyment.  Rather than risk injury with real contests, we simply use our computer and common sense to decide contests and championships.


CAMPUS HAPPENINGS:
Geek Week

The Escambia University Geek Council has announced the annual Rush. Interested applicants should apply with the Geek organization of their choice. The Geek Council is proud to announce the arrival of yet another brother fraternity. The EU Chapter of Al Fal Pha has joined the campus scene! We are awaiting word on the new sorority Gamma Globu Lin.

A WARNING Students who attended last month's "Come As You Are" fund raiser by the United Sorority Sisters of EU are reminded that penicillin shots are now available at the Student Health Center for anyone who took part in the "closed door conference fundraisers" portion of the event. We are told that plumbing problems at the host site (The Motel 7) have led to a number of "urinary tract infections."

The EU Library will remain closed until the book is returned. Please check your rooms to see if you have accidentally walked off with it. This year's budget includes the purchase of three books but even this won't work if people are not more careful.